well I can't set my house on fire every night
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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