just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
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Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
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I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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