Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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