Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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