I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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