My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
