apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize