Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
