Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
