so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
