The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just high enough for therapy.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
