when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
