yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask