Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves