were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
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I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm