The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.