Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
