woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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