When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
