someone threw a dead crab at me
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
