I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
