Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
