we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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