He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
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You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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