he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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