i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
