we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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