omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
