Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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