where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
