Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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