I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Holy sore nipples Batman
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
