i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
