If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
