I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
