I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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