Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
