she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
