I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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