"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize
