Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
