What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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