Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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