I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
