that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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