You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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