Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
