There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
