Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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