can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
