The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
