Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i love accidental penises.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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