i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm having to shit out rocks
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