You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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