I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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