when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
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I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
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I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.