if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.