I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
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I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.