Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
