I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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